Not What I Wanted

“All that I wanted were things I had before. All that I needed I never needed more. All of my questions are answers to my sins. All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot

I tried out for the PERT team again. Tryouts have changed since I was on it the last time. Instead of just push-ups, sit-ups and a two-mile run, they’re much closer to the physical agility test police cadets have to go through to pass Basic Law Enforcement Training. I wasn’t fast enough. I just found out today that I was passed over for the two case manager positions I applied for. A year ago, I would have kept trying, kept applying and then, if neither of these things happened, I would have said, ‘Eh, it’s just not in the cards for me.’ What if it’s more than that? What if they’re not happening because it’s not what I really want? I could keep trying, keep applying, working harder and I would eventually succeed, but only because I’m stubborn and I persevered. Not because I really wanted to. I still have faith that Lost Gods is going to be huge and entirely from God. Now, it wouldn’t be fair if I got a case manager position or on the PERT team, sent to training on the state’s dime, if I’m just going to be resigning in six months. And all the effort I put towards PERT team or case manager could be applied to getting published. Not to mention, neither the PERT team nor case manager would mean a pay raise. So, I’ll just stay where I’m at. I’ll apply for a sergeant’s position if it comes up. That does come with a pay raise and it won’t take away from the effort to get published.