“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
March 16th, 2010
The last day. The 40th day of my 40 Days of Gradr. I believe I’m stronger now than I was a month and ten days ago. My will is stronger. My mind is more focused. I’m ready. I’m ready to do what needs to be done. I had one final test last night. I had to go online to pay a bill. I did not waver. I’m surprised I didn’t get a tower today. One last chance for my family of crows to haunt me for six hours.
Tomorrow is the beginning of the next phase. I am a butterfly about to emerge from the cocoon. That sounds dramatic and cheesy, I know, but it’s metaphorically accurate. You could say I’ve been in a cocoon for years and started to come out of it last July. I think everyone goes through a metamorphosis or two at some point in their lives. I’ve been through several, myself. Mind you, they’ve been of varying degrees, but the one I’m currently about to step out on the other end of is, in my opinion, the most profound. Especially if you put the beginning at early last year. I will most likely continue this entry later today, but for now… I need more coffee.
Not many people have a nemesis. I do. He is Khan to my Kirk. Longshanks to my William Wallace. Magneto to my Professor X. He’s actually the Raiders fan I spoke of yesterday, so, he’s, literally, the Raiders to my Broncos. I just found out since my last cup of coffee that he is, apparently, emerging from his own cocoon. At the end of a ten year journey. Now that I think about it, I’m also at the end of a ten year journey. It was interesting to think about when I was looking at the context of the last five years, but to take into account the past ten… and for someone else, someone leading a charge on the opposite front, to be completing their own concurring journey, it’s like a real-life comic book story arc. On the one hand, it’s good because we’re both becoming more knowledgeable in our quest to better each other. More knowledgeable of the world. More knowledgeable of ourselves. On the other hand, it’s actually quite sad because the more we debate, the higher and more intense our fiery passion for our cause becomes and the less likely it is that either of us will abandon it.
A fitting end to my Gradr journal entries. This time around at least. We’ll see if next years can top these.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Gradr Journal Entry #8
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
The Ides of March, 2010
Well, it’s day 39 and I’m not half crazy yet. I’m not counting down the minutes either. That’s a good thing. Right? I have to say, though, it hasn’t been an easy forty days. And not just because of what I’m doing without. We’ve had an elderly family member pass away, my wife tore cartilage in her knee, she’s been having problems with her back and sinuses, my youngest son had tubes put in his ears and now he has a viral throat infection that caused a rash all over his body. I had refresher training for five days, before which, I had to work the whole weekend and the Sunday after, I sneezed and realized very quickly I had a torn pectoral muscle. If that weren’t enough, there’s my brother and his drama, which, by itself, would make an excellent show on TLC. Real Idiots of Davie County. I love my brother, but he is an idiot.
Okay. Now that I got that off my chest… so, the Broncos got Brady Quinn from Cleveland. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. I can’t say I haven’t wondered how he would have done had Denver picked him instead of Cutler. I mean, look what happened with Cutler. I’m hoping Quinn just hasn’t had the opportunity to shine due to the team he was on. This Raiders fan co-worker of mine pointed out that Ladainian Tomlinson is out of the division. Okay, except there’s a reason for that—because the Chargers don’t need him with Sproles. Anyway, it should be an interesting season, depending on what they do with Brandon Marshall.
I bet you didn’t know this was a sports blog. I’m kidding. Hey, I’ve got to write about something and this is what I’m thinking about today. Deal with it.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
The Ides of March, 2010
Well, it’s day 39 and I’m not half crazy yet. I’m not counting down the minutes either. That’s a good thing. Right? I have to say, though, it hasn’t been an easy forty days. And not just because of what I’m doing without. We’ve had an elderly family member pass away, my wife tore cartilage in her knee, she’s been having problems with her back and sinuses, my youngest son had tubes put in his ears and now he has a viral throat infection that caused a rash all over his body. I had refresher training for five days, before which, I had to work the whole weekend and the Sunday after, I sneezed and realized very quickly I had a torn pectoral muscle. If that weren’t enough, there’s my brother and his drama, which, by itself, would make an excellent show on TLC. Real Idiots of Davie County. I love my brother, but he is an idiot.
Okay. Now that I got that off my chest… so, the Broncos got Brady Quinn from Cleveland. I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. I can’t say I haven’t wondered how he would have done had Denver picked him instead of Cutler. I mean, look what happened with Cutler. I’m hoping Quinn just hasn’t had the opportunity to shine due to the team he was on. This Raiders fan co-worker of mine pointed out that Ladainian Tomlinson is out of the division. Okay, except there’s a reason for that—because the Chargers don’t need him with Sproles. Anyway, it should be an interesting season, depending on what they do with Brandon Marshall.
I bet you didn’t know this was a sports blog. I’m kidding. Hey, I’ve got to write about something and this is what I’m thinking about today. Deal with it.
Gradr Journal Entry #7
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
March 10th, 2010
I had no idea how difficult this would be. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t anticipate God sending so many people to test my will. My family has been great at keeping me busy. There are a couple people who didn’t get the memo, but that’s okay. I love them anyway. There is one friend who I expected to be there for me—someone to talk to if I couldn’t talk to my wife. His phone service is cancelled or suspended or something. When I send a text message, the sent message has an arrow if it was successful and then the arrow becomes a checkmark when the recipient gets it. My text to my friend still has an arrow. Now, if I get on facebook, I very well may find a message saying he got a new phone number. Seven days from now I’ll be able to do that, but that doesn’t help me right now.
I miss the camaraderie I had on the Deyo. Black, Wiggins, Sharer, Phelps, Hagg… I miss hanging out with those guys. Faustini was a butthole and Frisoni was annoying sometimes but I miss them all the same. Wiggins is still in the Navy in Florida. I never thought he’d be a lifer. Ronnie Black. That’s my MIA friend. He’s down in the Greenville, SC area. At least he was the last time I talked to him. That was on facebook on February 4th—the day before my 40 days of Gradr started. Maybe this is a test of my will, too. 40 days and I can’t have on of my best friends around for support. Man, is he going to hear about it next week.
I haven’t had that kind of camaraderie since I left the Navy. I guess when you live together, work together, go out together and drink together, you form a bond that lasts forever. Kind of like marriage. Not exactly. I didn’t sleep with anyone in the Navy, though, my nearest neighbors were three feet above me, three below me and four feet to me left.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
March 10th, 2010
I had no idea how difficult this would be. I knew it would be hard, but I didn’t anticipate God sending so many people to test my will. My family has been great at keeping me busy. There are a couple people who didn’t get the memo, but that’s okay. I love them anyway. There is one friend who I expected to be there for me—someone to talk to if I couldn’t talk to my wife. His phone service is cancelled or suspended or something. When I send a text message, the sent message has an arrow if it was successful and then the arrow becomes a checkmark when the recipient gets it. My text to my friend still has an arrow. Now, if I get on facebook, I very well may find a message saying he got a new phone number. Seven days from now I’ll be able to do that, but that doesn’t help me right now.
I miss the camaraderie I had on the Deyo. Black, Wiggins, Sharer, Phelps, Hagg… I miss hanging out with those guys. Faustini was a butthole and Frisoni was annoying sometimes but I miss them all the same. Wiggins is still in the Navy in Florida. I never thought he’d be a lifer. Ronnie Black. That’s my MIA friend. He’s down in the Greenville, SC area. At least he was the last time I talked to him. That was on facebook on February 4th—the day before my 40 days of Gradr started. Maybe this is a test of my will, too. 40 days and I can’t have on of my best friends around for support. Man, is he going to hear about it next week.
I haven’t had that kind of camaraderie since I left the Navy. I guess when you live together, work together, go out together and drink together, you form a bond that lasts forever. Kind of like marriage. Not exactly. I didn’t sleep with anyone in the Navy, though, my nearest neighbors were three feet above me, three below me and four feet to me left.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Gradr Journal Entry #6
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 21st, 2010
I’m getting really tired of this place. It’s not the work that’s getting to me. It’s the people. And mostly the people above me. Supervising inmates and maintaining security at a medium custody prison is, surprisingly, not a difficult thing to do. Having upper management, namely lieutenants and captains, who care for the welfare of the inmates more than they do their officers—that’s what makes the job difficult. I have training all week starting tomorrow. That’s more than forty hours. And they can’t let me off early today. So, I have to work over thirty-six hours in three days and then do five straight nine hour days in addition. There’s supposed to be a case manager job opening up soon. I’m going to apply for it. If I manage to get that position, it won’t change my surroundings very much, but at least I’ll have better hours and weekends off. And if I don’t get it, I’ll put in for every case manager job and probation/parole opening until someone let’s me take off this stupid blue uniform. It’s not the uniform’s fault. It can’t help the fact that it represents a powerless position. Yes, I said powerless. It may say Law Enforcement at the top of our timesheets and prisons across the state may participate in the Law Enforcement Torch Run for Special Olympics, but ask me how many restaurants in Salisbury will give correctional officers the same Law Enforcement discount they give police. Even though the same guys that run the streets and are brought in with the use of guns and tasers are guarded in prison with nothing but pepper spray. Sure, we have guns on the towers, but nobody is stupid enough to try and escape. They’re treated too good here.
Something in my life needs to change. I thought coming to day shift would be the change I needed but the daylight has only opened my eyes and now I’m awake to all the political crap that goes on in here. Who knows? Maybe as a case manager or probation/parole officer I would be even more aware. Ranting and raving did help my headache a little. That’s good. I still feel the same inside, though. Perhaps I need to take my own advice I gave someone recently—Let go. Let God.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 21st, 2010
I’m getting really tired of this place. It’s not the work that’s getting to me. It’s the people. And mostly the people above me. Supervising inmates and maintaining security at a medium custody prison is, surprisingly, not a difficult thing to do. Having upper management, namely lieutenants and captains, who care for the welfare of the inmates more than they do their officers—that’s what makes the job difficult. I have training all week starting tomorrow. That’s more than forty hours. And they can’t let me off early today. So, I have to work over thirty-six hours in three days and then do five straight nine hour days in addition. There’s supposed to be a case manager job opening up soon. I’m going to apply for it. If I manage to get that position, it won’t change my surroundings very much, but at least I’ll have better hours and weekends off. And if I don’t get it, I’ll put in for every case manager job and probation/parole opening until someone let’s me take off this stupid blue uniform. It’s not the uniform’s fault. It can’t help the fact that it represents a powerless position. Yes, I said powerless. It may say Law Enforcement at the top of our timesheets and prisons across the state may participate in the Law Enforcement Torch Run for Special Olympics, but ask me how many restaurants in Salisbury will give correctional officers the same Law Enforcement discount they give police. Even though the same guys that run the streets and are brought in with the use of guns and tasers are guarded in prison with nothing but pepper spray. Sure, we have guns on the towers, but nobody is stupid enough to try and escape. They’re treated too good here.
Something in my life needs to change. I thought coming to day shift would be the change I needed but the daylight has only opened my eyes and now I’m awake to all the political crap that goes on in here. Who knows? Maybe as a case manager or probation/parole officer I would be even more aware. Ranting and raving did help my headache a little. That’s good. I still feel the same inside, though. Perhaps I need to take my own advice I gave someone recently—Let go. Let God.
Gradr Journal Entry #5
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 20th, 2010
I’m having trouble coming up with something to write about today. I think the best cure for writer’s block is to write about having writer’s block. Not that this journal thing is something that needs to be done everyday by any means. I’m just bored out here on the tower—again—and can’t think of anything to write about that doesn’t have to do with the book.
The last time I checked before my 40 Days of Grady, I had two followers on my blog. Assuming I’ll accumulate more as time goes by, someone is going to wonder what I mean by ‘Circular Path.’ There are a few meanings hidden in there. A circle is a single, unbroken line—never-ending. You take one section out and it’s no longer a circle—everything it had encompassed falls apart. My life is a circle. I grew up in a broken home. My sons are growing up in a broken home. I was on a Christian path in high school. Then, I strayed for several years. Now, I’m back on my Christian journey. If you remove any single element of my life, all that I am ceases to exist. Another definition of my ‘circular path’ comes from the song “Circle” by Slipknot, which I quote at the top of my blog. Some might think it strange that I, being a spiritual, Christian person would quote Slipknot, but give the song a listen if you have the opportunity. It’s one of their softer, slower songs, so you can actually understand what Corey is saying when he sings.
The third definition is represented in the book and I’m not talking about that right now, so, I’m going to let you find that one on your own.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 20th, 2010
I’m having trouble coming up with something to write about today. I think the best cure for writer’s block is to write about having writer’s block. Not that this journal thing is something that needs to be done everyday by any means. I’m just bored out here on the tower—again—and can’t think of anything to write about that doesn’t have to do with the book.
The last time I checked before my 40 Days of Grady, I had two followers on my blog. Assuming I’ll accumulate more as time goes by, someone is going to wonder what I mean by ‘Circular Path.’ There are a few meanings hidden in there. A circle is a single, unbroken line—never-ending. You take one section out and it’s no longer a circle—everything it had encompassed falls apart. My life is a circle. I grew up in a broken home. My sons are growing up in a broken home. I was on a Christian path in high school. Then, I strayed for several years. Now, I’m back on my Christian journey. If you remove any single element of my life, all that I am ceases to exist. Another definition of my ‘circular path’ comes from the song “Circle” by Slipknot, which I quote at the top of my blog. Some might think it strange that I, being a spiritual, Christian person would quote Slipknot, but give the song a listen if you have the opportunity. It’s one of their softer, slower songs, so you can actually understand what Corey is saying when he sings.
The third definition is represented in the book and I’m not talking about that right now, so, I’m going to let you find that one on your own.
Gradr Journal Entry #4
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 19th, 2010
I think we’re going to sign up my oldest son for flag football. This will be his first organized sport. I don’t know if he’ll like baseball as much as I did when I was a kid. Of course, watching baseball today is not the same as it was growing up, either. There was just something about watching the Cubs and listening to Harry Carey. Baseball is just not the same anymore.
I’m actually surprised I didn’t ever try out for football. I’m not sure, exactly, why I didn’t. I guess maybe it’s part of that whole ‘I’d be in a different place now and not aligned with my destiny’ thing. You think about it—if I had played football in junior high, maybe have run in with the wrong crowd and maybe I would have had more confidence and gotten better grades. And if all of that happened, I might have never moved to North Carolina. Then again, if I had stayed in Colorado, there is a certain scenario that could have played out very, very badly. I am slowly beginning to learn not to question God’s plans—why things happen the way they do.
I can’t wait to see my son get his first touchdown. It’s going to be unreal, the joy I will feel. I can imagine it rivaling the birth of my youngest. Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it will come close, I think.
I think I remember hitting a homerun in tee-ball, but outside of that one season, I’ve never hit one. I played soccer for three or four years but I was always goalie or a defensive player. I never scored a goal. I had one shot on goal, but I missed. I played basketball for one season in junior high. Mr. Microsoft was on that team, too. I never had the opportunity to make a play.
I played softball a couple seasons ten years ago and there are two plays that stick out in my mind. The first one, I hit a line drive into the outfield. I was rounding second when the throw came. I slid into third as the third baseman caught the ball. He missed the tag but he was between me and the base. A huge cloud of dust engulfed us both. I reached my hand over and touched the bag before he tagged me and I had myself a triple. The second memory, I was playing shortstop and snatched a speeding line drive out of the air like I was catching a fly with chopsticks. My nickname even before that was Obi-Wan Kennobi. Get it? Anyway, I felt like a jedi that day. But seeing my son run towards the endzone with a football in his hand will have me more happy than I was either of those two days. Now, you might mistakenly believe that I’m living vicariously through my children, You’d be wrong. I want my kids to be successful in whatever they choose to do. And seeing them succeed is going to make more happy than I could ever be succeeding myself.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 19th, 2010
I think we’re going to sign up my oldest son for flag football. This will be his first organized sport. I don’t know if he’ll like baseball as much as I did when I was a kid. Of course, watching baseball today is not the same as it was growing up, either. There was just something about watching the Cubs and listening to Harry Carey. Baseball is just not the same anymore.
I’m actually surprised I didn’t ever try out for football. I’m not sure, exactly, why I didn’t. I guess maybe it’s part of that whole ‘I’d be in a different place now and not aligned with my destiny’ thing. You think about it—if I had played football in junior high, maybe have run in with the wrong crowd and maybe I would have had more confidence and gotten better grades. And if all of that happened, I might have never moved to North Carolina. Then again, if I had stayed in Colorado, there is a certain scenario that could have played out very, very badly. I am slowly beginning to learn not to question God’s plans—why things happen the way they do.
I can’t wait to see my son get his first touchdown. It’s going to be unreal, the joy I will feel. I can imagine it rivaling the birth of my youngest. Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it will come close, I think.
I think I remember hitting a homerun in tee-ball, but outside of that one season, I’ve never hit one. I played soccer for three or four years but I was always goalie or a defensive player. I never scored a goal. I had one shot on goal, but I missed. I played basketball for one season in junior high. Mr. Microsoft was on that team, too. I never had the opportunity to make a play.
I played softball a couple seasons ten years ago and there are two plays that stick out in my mind. The first one, I hit a line drive into the outfield. I was rounding second when the throw came. I slid into third as the third baseman caught the ball. He missed the tag but he was between me and the base. A huge cloud of dust engulfed us both. I reached my hand over and touched the bag before he tagged me and I had myself a triple. The second memory, I was playing shortstop and snatched a speeding line drive out of the air like I was catching a fly with chopsticks. My nickname even before that was Obi-Wan Kennobi. Get it? Anyway, I felt like a jedi that day. But seeing my son run towards the endzone with a football in his hand will have me more happy than I was either of those two days. Now, you might mistakenly believe that I’m living vicariously through my children, You’d be wrong. I want my kids to be successful in whatever they choose to do. And seeing them succeed is going to make more happy than I could ever be succeeding myself.
Gradr Journal Entry #3
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 14th, 2010
This week did not go how I envisioned it at all. I wrote a song that I had planned on recording and giving to my wife for Valentine’s Day. Instead, her heart was broken when her grandfather was taken to the emergency room on the 6th and passed away on the 10th. The first ten days of this Gradr experiment of mine went by in a flash but I would endure a thousand upon a thousand days of Gradr if I could be promised that she would never have as much heartache as she’s had in the past week. I know life would not be life without death, but that sentiment doesn’t make the passing any easier. I have to say, though… the support system that she has, and that I have because of her, is immeasurable. I wish everyone could have that. Well, thirty days to go.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 14th, 2010
This week did not go how I envisioned it at all. I wrote a song that I had planned on recording and giving to my wife for Valentine’s Day. Instead, her heart was broken when her grandfather was taken to the emergency room on the 6th and passed away on the 10th. The first ten days of this Gradr experiment of mine went by in a flash but I would endure a thousand upon a thousand days of Gradr if I could be promised that she would never have as much heartache as she’s had in the past week. I know life would not be life without death, but that sentiment doesn’t make the passing any easier. I have to say, though… the support system that she has, and that I have because of her, is immeasurable. I wish everyone could have that. Well, thirty days to go.
Gradr Journal Entry #2
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 6th, 2010
The Saints and the Colts play in the Super Bowl tomorrow. I took the day off. I asked for it off last year but the leave request got lost. This will be the first Super Bowl Sunday I will have had off since the last time the Colts were in the Super Bowl. I’m rooting for the Saints. I’m not a Saints fan per se, nor am I pulling for them simply because they’ve never gone to the Super Bowl or because they’re the underdogs. It’s both those reasons as well as the fact that my brother is a Colts fan. At least he was when he and I watched Super Bowl XLI. He’s a wagoneer. Growing up we were both Broncos fans. Then, when the Buffalo Bills started going to the Super Bowl, he was a Bills fan. A few years ago he became a Colts fan. When the Broncos were on their run early in the season, he was a Broncos fan. Me—I’ve been a fan of the Orange Crush since Craig Morton was their quarterback.
We were both Chicago Cubs fans growing up, too. Raised on Harry Carey. A few years ago, he became a Red Sox fan. Something that really kind of made me mad… my dad and step-mom went to Chicago recently and I asked them to get my sons a Cubs souvenir if they felt so inclined. We had a family get together in September. They gave my brother the Red Sox fan a Cubs Hall of Fame t-shirt and a few plastic souvenir cups. My sons got nothing. My brother was nice enough to offer two of the cups to me. Whatever.
Now, if the Cubs don’t make it to the World Series, I’m rooting for whichever team is the most un-Red Sox-ish. If my Broncos don’t get to the Super Bowl, I’m rooting for anyone who isn’t the Colts—even if it means pulling for my wife’s Cowboys. Luckily, this year I don’t have to do that. So, ‘Who dat?’ Who dat wagoneer?
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 6th, 2010
The Saints and the Colts play in the Super Bowl tomorrow. I took the day off. I asked for it off last year but the leave request got lost. This will be the first Super Bowl Sunday I will have had off since the last time the Colts were in the Super Bowl. I’m rooting for the Saints. I’m not a Saints fan per se, nor am I pulling for them simply because they’ve never gone to the Super Bowl or because they’re the underdogs. It’s both those reasons as well as the fact that my brother is a Colts fan. At least he was when he and I watched Super Bowl XLI. He’s a wagoneer. Growing up we were both Broncos fans. Then, when the Buffalo Bills started going to the Super Bowl, he was a Bills fan. A few years ago he became a Colts fan. When the Broncos were on their run early in the season, he was a Broncos fan. Me—I’ve been a fan of the Orange Crush since Craig Morton was their quarterback.
We were both Chicago Cubs fans growing up, too. Raised on Harry Carey. A few years ago, he became a Red Sox fan. Something that really kind of made me mad… my dad and step-mom went to Chicago recently and I asked them to get my sons a Cubs souvenir if they felt so inclined. We had a family get together in September. They gave my brother the Red Sox fan a Cubs Hall of Fame t-shirt and a few plastic souvenir cups. My sons got nothing. My brother was nice enough to offer two of the cups to me. Whatever.
Now, if the Cubs don’t make it to the World Series, I’m rooting for whichever team is the most un-Red Sox-ish. If my Broncos don’t get to the Super Bowl, I’m rooting for anyone who isn’t the Colts—even if it means pulling for my wife’s Cowboys. Luckily, this year I don’t have to do that. So, ‘Who dat?’ Who dat wagoneer?
Gradr Journal Entry #1
“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
Not talking about the book is going to be hard enough but not even thinking about it… not taking notes, not jotting down any ideas. It’s going to be rough. But… “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phillipians 4:13) Right? What makes it even harder today is being on the tower. Every time I’m out here I’m visited by a family of seven crows. No, they’re not my Post 3 raven but seeing them and hearing them inspires me just the same. I could use a tower drought right about now. I couldn’t get enough of them before. Now, it’s torture. I don’t even have any Sudoku puzzles with me. I can hear my wife taunting me with our son on her lap, “We’re going to hold you to it, Daddy.” I know. I know. It’s only forty days. Navy boot camp was longer than that. I came out stronger then and I’ll come out stronger forty days from now
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”
From Circle by Slipknot
February 5th, 2010
Today is the first day of my first annual 40 Days of Gradr. No internet and no book talk. But I still the itch to write, so, I thought I’d start a Gradr journal. Yesterday I found this guy I went to school with on Facebook. We weren’t really friends in the sense that we hung out together. He was a good guy from what I could tell, but we were just from two separate crowds. According to his Facebook profile, he’s the Senior Operations Manager at Microsoft. Yeah. That’s what I said.
Anyway, finding him made me think of baseball. We played Little League together in junior high. He was a good pitcher and a really good hitter, too. He had a couple of homeruns, if I’m not mistaken. Me, I never swung the bat. I don’t know why. I didn’t get my first hit in a game, outside of tee-ball, until a scrimmage when I was on the Ft. Collins High junior varsity team shortly before my grades made me ineligible. I find myself wondering sometimes how different my life would be if I had swung the bat earlier.
I think it was fate keeping me from swinging that bat. It was God’s plan. I know he wants us to succeed in life, but he knew that in order for me to do what I feel I’m destined for, I had to live the life I’ve lived. And that life started with a lack of confidence and self-esteem. So, no, I don’t regret the fact that I have to work at a medium custody prison until my destiny comes to fruition, while someone I played baseball with is a big wig at Microsoft—all because he swung the bat and I didn’t. At least, that’s how I see it. I know there’s more to it than that, but it makes for good storytelling—a good metaphor, you know?
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