Gradr Journal Entry #1

“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”

From Circle by Slipknot

February 5^th, 2010

Today is the first day of my first annual 40 Days of Gradr. No internet and no book talk. But I still the itch to write, so, I thought I’d start a Gradr journal. Yesterday I found this guy I went to school with on Facebook. We weren’t really friends in the sense that we hung out together. He was a good guy from what I could tell, but we were just from two separate crowds. According to his Facebook profile, he’s the Senior Operations Manager at Microsoft. Yeah. That’s what I said.

Anyway, finding him made me think of baseball. We played Little League together in junior high. He was a good pitcher and a really good hitter, too. He had a couple of homeruns, if I’m not mistaken. Me, I never swung the bat. I don’t know why. I didn’t get my first hit in a game, outside of tee-ball, until a scrimmage when I was on the Ft. Collins High junior varsity team shortly before my grades made me ineligible. I find myself wondering sometimes how different my life would be if I had swung the bat earlier.

I think it was fate keeping me from swinging that bat. It was God’s plan. I know he wants us to succeed in life, but he knew that in order for me to do what I feel I’m destined for, I had to live the life I’ve lived. And that life started with a lack of confidence and self-esteem. So, no, I don’t regret the fact that I have to work at a medium custody prison until my destiny comes to fruition, while someone I played baseball with is a big wig at Microsoft—all because he swung the bat and I didn’t. At least, that’s how I see it. I know there’s more to it than that, but it makes for good storytelling—a good metaphor, you know?

Not talking about the book is going to be hard enough but not even thinking about it… not taking notes, not jotting down any ideas. It’s going to be rough. But… “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” (Phillipians 4:13) Right? What makes it even harder today is being on the tower. Every time I’m out here I’m visited by a family of seven crows. No, they’re not my Post 3 raven but seeing them and hearing them inspires me just the same. I could use a tower drought right about now. I couldn’t get enough of them before. Now, it’s torture. I don’t even have any Sudoku puzzles with me. I can hear my wife taunting me with our son on her lap, “We’re going to hold you to it, Daddy.” I know. I know. It’s only forty days. Navy boot camp was longer than that. I came out stronger then and I’ll come out stronger forty days from now