Gradr Journal Entry #6

“All that I wanted were things I had before.
All that I needed I never needed more.
All of my questions are answers to my sins.
All of my endings are waiting to begin.”

From Circle by Slipknot


February 21st, 2010

I’m getting really tired of this place. It’s not the work that’s getting to me. It’s the people. And mostly the people above me. Supervising inmates and maintaining security at a medium custody prison is, surprisingly, not a difficult thing to do. Having upper management, namely lieutenants and captains, who care for the welfare of the inmates more than they do their officers—that’s what makes the job difficult. I have training all week starting tomorrow. That’s more than forty hours. And they can’t let me off early today. So, I have to work over thirty-six hours in three days and then do five straight nine hour days in addition. There’s supposed to be a case manager job opening up soon. I’m going to apply for it. If I manage to get that position, it won’t change my surroundings very much, but at least I’ll have better hours and weekends off. And if I don’t get it, I’ll put in for every case manager job and probation/parole opening until someone let’s me take off this stupid blue uniform. It’s not the uniform’s fault. It can’t help the fact that it represents a powerless position. Yes, I said powerless. It may say Law Enforcement at the top of our timesheets and prisons across the state may participate in the Law Enforcement Torch Run for Special Olympics, but ask me how many restaurants in Salisbury will give correctional officers the same Law Enforcement discount they give police. Even though the same guys that run the streets and are brought in with the use of guns and tasers are guarded in prison with nothing but pepper spray. Sure, we have guns on the towers, but nobody is stupid enough to try and escape. They’re treated too good here.
Something in my life needs to change. I thought coming to day shift would be the change I needed but the daylight has only opened my eyes and now I’m awake to all the political crap that goes on in here. Who knows? Maybe as a case manager or probation/parole officer I would be even more aware. Ranting and raving did help my headache a little. That’s good. I still feel the same inside, though. Perhaps I need to take my own advice I gave someone recently—Let go. Let God.